How Many Frogs Do You Have to Kiss Before You Meet Your Prince Charming?
02/15/12 Categories: Relationships
The Making of an Empowerment Coach
Like most little girls growing up in our Western culture, I grew up thinking that ‘someday’ I would meet my Prince Charming, fall in love and live happily ever after. Ahhh, if only life were that simple. But then again, I wouldn’t have such an interesting story to share and life is all about the stories of our lives. Life as a whole is about the challenges, the hurts and pains, and the gains we experience on the journey.
From an early age, I truly had no idea of what this concept called love really was. Like most impressionable little girls, I grew up with the usual romantic notions of love. Finding someone to ‘love me,’ take care of me, and my Prince who would love and adore me, forever. Sounds a little narcissistic, but before you jump all over me for being naïve, a dreamer, or unrealistic, remember that we are socialized from birth to believe in a certain ideal and we come to yearn for that ideal.
In my lifetime I hadn’t had much experience or knowledge of couples getting divorced. It simply wasn’t an option in my mind. So, when I married before my twenties and proceeded to have three beautiful children, I truly believed that I had married the love of my life and we would be together forever. That is until the fairy tale was ruthlessly shattered, along with my rose colored glasses. I blamed myself and promised to do better the next time. After all, this is about empowered living and I would get it perfect. Right?
Eventually I attracted someone who would take care of me, an intelligent and gifted doctor of chiropractic who was willing to love me, as well as my three young children. Only something went terribly wrong again. After 10 wonderful years of studying the concepts of natural health and healing along with him, as well as a large group of other wonderful and gifted healers, and running the office and being an integral part of patient education, my new husband and father of my 4th child, became emotionally and mentally imbalanced to the point of being a danger to my children and myself.
Now, let’s fast-forward almost 10 years. A lot of growing up had to happen. Becoming responsible as a single mom, working a twelve step program, learning the skills of making a living and learning to love and care for myself in the most empowered way possible. This is the love story that each of us must learn. I was learning to love myself first so that I could give that love to another.
You can imagine that after having my experiences, I wasn’t anxious to be in another relationship. In fact after a few more close encounters with some more pain and heartache, I made a promise to myself that I was done with men, done with love, done with romance, and done with anything at all that even closely resembled it. Love, I decided, wasn’t in my future.
Then, one fateful day a friend brought this nice 40-something man to our twelve step group and into my life forever.
First, we became friends. The trust between us grew and I started to feel safe. I felt safe because I had set some very strong boundaries that this relationship was to be friendship only, and he knew that in order to win my heart he would need to respect those boundaries or that I would bolt like a wild animal right out of the picture.
For over a year this patient man listened and observed me in our small group as I did what I call my ‘anger at men’ work, and healed whatever I could of the deep wounds and trauma of my earlier experiences with love. I was later to find out that he sat in that group thinking, “I have what she needs.” I find this to be amazing, that this kind person was only thinking of what he had to give and of what he might add to my life. But if I had known at the time what he was thinking, I doubt that I could have even been able to trust it at all.
Then one fateful day, he asked me to go to a movie with him, or something else of my choosing and would I be interested? And all of my warning systems went into full gear. I told him that I was too young to date, that I was only three years old. And he said that that was okay, because he was only four and that this could be just a play date and nothing more. So we went to a movie and out for lunch and for the next year after that he never failed to ask the waiter for a coloring book and crayons because after all, I was only three and he was only four. He took all of the pressure off and I began to feel safe enough to get to know this man as a person that could be trusted.
And that is how the friendship grew and developed in a very platonic, playful way until one infamous day when I realized that I didn’t know what the boundaries to the relationship were anymore. I was beginning to wonder if this was love, or if this was something more and I just had to ask the inevitable question, “What are your intentions Bill Draves?” There was a long silence as he looked into my eyes, and for a moment the warm light of the fireplace reflected on his face, and then he said, “That’s easy Rachel. I want to spend the rest of my life with you.”
The rest, yes, is history, and I can tell you that I have learned more about love from this man than from all of the therapy and self help books on the shelves of my library. I’ve learned that love is attention, listening and giving, as well as setting boundaries and keeping commitments and so much more. I’ve learned that there is such a thing as forever love, that it comes from the inside out and that it depends on the strength and on the character of the one who loves.
For over 20 years now my dear friend, husband and partner for life has nurtured, supported, mentored and been a steady example to myself and our adult children of what love truly is. Our youngest son calls him ‘The Rock.’ Our beautiful grandchildren benefit from his support and wise mentoring. And for me, he has provided the loving space of acceptance from which I have been able to grow into a person that can return that love.
The beginning.
Happy Valentine’s Day, Billy.
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