Bad, Bad Love
02/14/12 Categories: Relationships | Empowerment
Yes, All Roses Have Thorns
Okay. It’s the ‘month of love’ again. Everybody’s talking about, thinking about love. Do they have any idea of what love really, truly is? I mean, really? “Come on baby light my fire?” Or how about “You’ve got the look of love. It’s on your face?” What’s that supposed to mean? Look? Have you read the lyrics? Along with other ‘love songs,’ this really is codependency gone completely wild. It’s neediness to the extreme.
Now I know I’m dating myself, but these are old, old songs from the ’60s and I admit to not listening to a lot of love songs lately. But I do spend my time teaching wonderful people like you how to have amazing, fulfilling, meaningful and authentic connections with the special people in their lives, starting with themselves first, by the way. So, just what is love?
There are almost as many dictionary definitions to choose from as petals on a rose, and some of the definitions aren’t too bad. For instance, there’s deep affection, fondness, tenderness, warmth, intimacy, attachment, and endearment. And there’s devotion, adoration, doting, idolization, worship and passion, ardor, desire, lust, yearning, infatuation, to name a few. Yet, we’re still missing something here.
When it comes to love for our fellow human beings, and not necessarily a significant other, another side of love is revealed. It’s compassion, care, caring, regard, concern, friendship, kindness, charity, goodwill, sympathy, kindliness, altruism, unselfishness, philanthropy, benevolence.
These are all very nice words. Although they feel good, my question would be, is love a feeling or an action? Is love a noun or a verb? Is love something that ‘strikes you out of the blue’ like a cupid’s arrow? Or are love, compassion and caring things that develop with time and intention? Do we really just ‘fall’ in love?
Since I’ve had many years to discover both sides of love, the roses and the thorns, I’d like to share a little of what I’ve learned as my love gift to you this Valentine’s Day. I do believe in love ever after. I believe in soul mates. I’ve experienced romantic love, infatuation, puppy love. I’ve experienced bad, bad love, and I’ve experienced true love and many moments of profound love.
And what I know that I know that I know, is that ‘true love’ is a process of deep authentic discovery. It’s a conscious process of making room for ‘an other’ in your life. The kind of love that I’m talking about develops through the ‘giving’ of attention and care, not the receiving and taking. Perhaps deep and true love is best described as appreciation, wonder, and even awe. Because as we discover in the object of our affection, the beauty, grace, intelligence and the humor that we appreciate, we discover that what we love is coming back to us as a mirror of our own beauty and excellence.
I discovered what love, true deep love, really is 14 years ago. I became ill with an illness that doctors were unable to diagnose. I was ill for seven entire years with high fevers, rashes, painful joints, and night sweats. For months I was so weak that I couldn’t dry myself off after a shower. I couldn’t feed myself or get up off of the toilet. And my sweet husband, Bill, patiently cared for my needs. Sometimes he changed the bed sheets and nightclothes as many as five times a night. He cooked all our meals. He took me for acupuncture treatments. Quite literally, he waited on me hand and foot. Being the recipient of such patient attention month after month after month was totally humbling.
In addition to rapt attention, I’ve also discovered that the most important act of love is the art of deep and profound listening. Listening from one dear heart to another. The kind of attention that sees and hears the one loved, even to the exclusion of all others. For the one who loves, it feels like there is absolutely no one else in the room.
Perhaps there is no love greater than the love that a parent feels for a child. Interestingly, a young child is completely helpless and has nothing at all to give. And yet, as a parent, I continue to discover that the more I give, the more love grows.
Have you ever noticed that parents actually love their children more than a child can ever love or return that love to them? That is because the one giving has expanded their love quotient ability. The giver has a much greater capacity for love.
So, while we talk a lot about love, and we think we know love, we really don’t know love at all. In our search for happiness and fulfillment in relationships it’s a good thing, a wise thing, to discover new definitions of love. Love isn’t lust or desire. Loving ice cream isn’t the same as loving a spouse or a partner. Love is a decision, a choice, an action of giving. Love is an act of altruistic egotism. Love is patient. Love is kind and love puts up with the obvious faults of those that are different from us.
Most everyone has experienced some bad love in their life at one time or another. We rarely escape the experiences of heartbreak and loss. I know that I haven’t, yet as we develop our character and learn to live empowered lives from the inside out, good and true love will surely find us.
Valentine’s Day really ought to be every day.
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