When Relationships Hurt
Relationships are often the finest tests of us.
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When a dear family member is suffering, even facing the end of life, all of the cords and bonds of love are tested for strength and endurance.
Relationships are often the finest tests of us. The test of our work on ourselves is performance under stress . . . when you’re standing there with your face in the furnace.
As long as my happiness depends on others, I will have no control over my happiness. As long as my happiness depends on them, they will have quite a burden to bare.
No matter what has happened in the past, ‘I AM RESPONSIBLE’ to transform and transmute those past horrible, messy events in life now, and it starts with forgiving myself. Oh, so difficult!
I think that we heal by taking responsibility and leaving the victim thinking behind. I could blame my parents. I could blame my education. I could blame others for not keeping me safe. I could defend myself to the moon and back, but there was still something in my character and in my ability that I could have done better in the past, but I did not.
Our fixing tools are the deep emotional honesty of admitting our character faults, and the repair of our grosser character traits. It’s like gardening and pulling the weeds, the rocks, the boulders, and the tree stumps out so that you can plant a field of wheat or grow life-affirming vegetables. It’s like remodeling the house, and having to go deep into the foundation in order to repair what is broken all the way down to the foundation.
We all have regrets. We have plenty of failures. It would be easy to cringe at the memories, or live in perpetual toxic shame or embarrassment. The challenge of our lifetime is making amends and forgiveness.
“Taking responsibility is important as long as we take responsibility without judgment for whatever was, or wasn’t, accomplished in the past.
Once something is over, in retrospect it was completely Divine Providence, and obviously we have the obligation to learn from it or make amends if necessary.
On the other side of things, before something has happened, even an instant before, we are completely responsible for making amends or for learning from the past. But the toxic judgement, or any lack of forgiveness, has to go out of the equation or the past will turn into the future.”—Shifra Hendrie
These are the thoughts that I’ve been in deep contemplation over for several weeks now. I found that in order to leave behind any justifications, explanations, or other defense mechanisms (in the face of blame and judgement from someone else), I simply had to step out of any and all defensiveness into the self-affirming power of ‘I am responsible.’ And then, to my amazement, I saw the opening out of victimhood into freedom.
Taking responsibility means an energetic movement of mind and emotions away from the feeling that, ‘I am a victim,’ to a real sense of personal sovereignty, power, and self worth.
In the end, these relationships bring out the worst, and the best in us. They challenge us to remain silent when offended, to make space and take time for another, and to really listen without interpreting or interrupting. Relationships will always need two mature people who are growing and doing their deep and honest inner work daily.
Blessings,
Copyright 2019 © by Rachel L. Neumann of Your Pathway to Empowerment. All rights reserved. You may quote, copy, translate and link to this article in its entirety as long as you credit Rachel L. Neumann, the author by name, and include a working link back to this web page. All other uses are strictly prohibited.
